Maybe Softer?

For the majority of my life, I bought into the whole hustle, grind, push, goal setting, never give up culture. When I tried to swing a bat, I swung full out. When I was in school, I strove for A's thinking anything less than that was an F in my book. Athletics were no different. I pushed and pushed and pushed myself to succeed at any cost. Pushing yourself to exhaustion was glorified, and throwing up after races got you a high five from the coach. Passing out after was even better. I had a swim coach write on the white board that the only two ways people were getting out of the pool was if (1) we were bleeding profusely or (2) if he pulled our limp body out of the water. The grind mindset was reinforced by coaches, teaches, and my parents. Productivity was king, and I was his #1 bitch. In high school, I graduated with all A's and was a 3 sport athlete with extra curriculars a plenty. In college, I graduated in four years with not only a bachelors degree but a master's as well and summa cum laude. I did this while working three jobs and studied and passed the CFA level 1 exam my senior year. Hell, I even went into a career where people bragged about how many billable hours they worked in a week and how little hours they slept. I moved up at the firm and was put on some of our firms biggest clients in our office. From the outside, the hustle culture appeared to be paying off for me.

On the inside, I was depleted and defeated. As Brene Brown said, I was "hustling for my self-worth". I was running on shame and self-hatred to keep proving myself in a cycle stuck on feeling never good enough. What a cliche, an overachieving perfectionist becomes a burn out wondering where the hell everything went so wrong. All along I had hidden the dark side and costs of this obsession to succeed by societal standards. One day I remember feeling so fed up and realized this hustle mindset built on self-hatred wasn't working for me. Maybe I should try the exact opposite. Hell, what did I have to lose? It was foreign and unfamiliar territory. Maybe I should trying loving myself to success? Actually, fuck success. I want peace. I want to feel at home within my mind. Alright maybe loving myself to be at peace then? Maybe I should be gentler with myself? Maybe I should show more compassion to myself and others? Maybe I should try softer?